100 Other Things I Could Be Doing

Tonight is February 23, 2009...

I am sitting at my desk at my house all alone. My thoughts have gone from focused to ones of doubt in which brings me sadness. I have never admitted to know everything or much of anything. The thing I am most confident in is my purpose to bring glory to my Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ. How do I do that? I am thirty years old, single, work part-time, go to school full time, have an extreme amount of debt, oh even though I have lost 70 pds, I am obese on the BMI chart. Woo is me! Right now as I write this I am asking myself, "You are stronger than this, you are stronger than this" Yet my conscience will not allow me to let go. (Oh, I better say another thing, I am a horrible writer) This post will be as scattered as my brain is right now. I am going to be honest with everyone, Seminary is extremely hard for your average Hefty. School in general has never been my cup of tea. I was more concerned about football than reading and writing. Football got me into college, and allowed me to graduate. As I walked across the stage I said, "I will never do this again" My words haunt me at times. I need prayer. I am only human. I am a sinner roting away everyday. Today as I sat in this lonely chair eating a hot dog for lunch, a knock I heard at the door. As I opened the door, a Mexican man was standing at my door with some small pieces of paper. He introduced himself as "Ricardo" and he was collecting money for a ministry. I asked him "which one" he told me they are collecting money for "homeless people" I was very suspicious! We made small talk about his efforts. I was overwhelmed at this point. I had to share Christ with him. I just straight up asked him what he believed. He gave me all this talk about history, buddha, the universe, blah blah blah. I said Ricardo, if you die walking up that street will you go to heaven? He said, I think so, I said "you think" He said "yea, I believe in a huge God, where there is plenty of space" I was like "really" at this point, I just began preaching to him. I was sharing the gospel with him. He just looked at me like he was deeply thinking about something. I asked him to wait at the door so I could get him a bible, cd, and spiritual booklet. I shared with him the bridge diagram. Dr. Carigan, I pulled the hook, I begged him to repent and put is faith in Jesus. (I even mentioned HELL) that is one word I try not to say when sharing, but it was appropriate today. I must of talked to him for 25 minutes. He told me, that he did not believe in Jesus as God. He said, "how could God lower himself to be put on earth" AHHHHH.... My inner self was screaming at this point. He did not reject me today, he rejected Jesus Christ. Do I feel beat down? (a little) I believe so strong in something, that I want everyone I talk to, to believe, repent, receive. I prayed for Ricardo once I got back to my desk, and said, "Lord, he is in your hands now" I have to have faith that God set up that appointment, I have planted a seed, (actually 3) I pray that he will read that material or listen to it and he too can come to know Jesus Christ. As I continue to type, my eyes are becoming tired and blurry! My thoughts race back to the cloud which seems to be hanging over me today. I found out that the hospital that I went to messed up my paper work and I never got cleared with their internal program. So I have 30 days to pay my hospital bill from my back injury this past fall. I also am not sure how I am going to pay the rest of my tuition for this semester. I have until March 5 to figure that out. I trust God. I do. Again, I am human, and I too have doubt. Why does money have to be the root of everything, good or bad. Did God create money? Yes. Did he create it for good or for bad? That is very debatable. My thoughts now are, you need a second job. I have no clue how I am going to be able to balance, school full time, 25 hours of part time work, homework, reading, my girlfriend, etc. My only thought is that I could work a couple nights and just suck it up. Right now, I should be doing my Greek homework and getting ready for class tomorrow. I should be out working another job. I should be nose deep in God's word. I should be doing a lot of things. Here, I sit in my chair in an empty house typing on a keyboard, communicating to no one. What am I doing. If by chance you stumble upon this, please pray for me. I am a very strong person but I am also a very human person too. Please pray for me.